Should We all be doing Kegels (vagina pulses)? Maybe.
By Queen Elizabeth
College is about finding out new stuff about yourself. It’s about taking a chance and asking that cute guy from Natural Disasters out to coffee (obviously making sure to go to Koffee on Audubon so no one will actually see you). It’s about being nervous and excited and awkward and hopeful. “What if this turns into a Facebook chatting thing,” you think, “and THEN, maybe we’ll make out at Toad’s, and then MAYBE just MAYBE we’ll start talking to each other OUTSIDE of parties…” But these thoughts quickly halt when on that date at Koffee on Audobon your Natural Disasters dream guy turns to you and tells you he doesn’t like Taylor Swift. And that’s college, one minute your planning your wedding, the next you want to barf in his face —who the fuck doesn’t like T. Swift?
At least, that’s what college is like for most people. For me, college was about finding out that I am a squirter.
I had been masturbating for a while before I squirted for the first time. It was astounding. I was furiously rubbing my clitoris while watching a lovely lesbian clip on Xtube, my favorite porn website. I was thinking that I was gonna cum, it was gonna be great, and that I was gonna fall asleep right afterwards. Instead, I feel a whole lotta wetness darting out of me. Whaaaat???? was my first thought. Then, Holy shit! I squirt like a pornstar! was my second thought. I debated whether or not I would try to dry up my vag juice before I went to sleep. And then I went to sleep on top of the jizzy wetness. Damn, that shit was tight (“that” is referring to the squirting- not my vagina, but that’s tight, too in case you were wondering).
Since then, I’ve found out that there are some really awesome things about discovering that I shoot streams of God-knows-what-that-liquid-is out of my vagina at/before orgasm:
1) I rarely have sandpaper vag
2) I can have contests with myself to see how far my jizz can actually go.
3) I have some visible indicator to your partner(s) that I’m cumming and, thus, they can’t stop until they “get the juice.” Yes, I’ve used that term with a straight face before.
4) I feel like this squirting is a sign of myself getting better and more efficient at diddling my skittle.
Of course, I have to deal with a lot of large wet spots and my partner(s) have to invest in rain slickers to keep bedding from being collateral damage, but those are minor issues in light of the new skill I’ve acquired.
I’ve got big ideas for my jizz at the moment. I want to get to the point where I can manipulate my stream. Kegels are a constant activity because that’s the only exercise I can imagine will help me beef up my pussy muscles. They’re gonna get HUGE. Maybe if I supplement muscle milk into my diet and invest in Kegel weights, I’ll be able to squirt like a champion.
I found my jizz in college. But, like meeting someone I really like before summer break, I always wish I had found my jizz sooner. Imagine what great companions we would be at this point in time. But better late than never, right? Anyways, our future together is looking pretty good.